Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mommy Guilt

To state the obvious becoming a mom has changed me in ways I never imagined. Before I had kids I didn't have clue what it felt like to love someone the way a parent loves a child. It is still hard for me to comprehend that anyone else has ever felt the kind of intense love that I feel for my children. That being said being a mom also comes with a lot of self doubt and guilt. I often feel that I am not the kind of mom I should be. Often my patience is short, I second guess the choices I make regarding my kids, and I feel I fall short in teaching my kids all the vital things they need to know. Because of this I have a lot of mommy guilt. One big source of my mommy guilt comes from the very close age gap between Tori and Ella. Landon gets a lot of attention because he has the best communication skills and he can tell us directly what he wants. Ella gets a lot of attention because she is the baby and she needs to be fed and changed often. A lot of times that means that Tori gets the short end of the stick. Sometimes my heart just breaks for my middle child. I worry that I robbed her of her time as the "baby" by having Ella when she was just 13 months old.
But then I see scenes like this

Tori and Ella were playing together and they were just making each other laugh and laugh. When I witness these sweet moments my mommy guilt goes away and I realize that maybe Tori hasn't gotten the short end of the stick after all and that what I have given her is a really great gift.

9 comments:

Theresa said...

Yeah, I think there's trade offs. Tori gets to have a sister so close in age and she might hate that sometimes later when she's a teen and ella is a copy cat, ...but there are so many things that are good about having a close in age sister that I'll never get to experience. And I seriously don't think that she is getting short changed,... she also has gotten to spend a lot of time with her aunts and uncles by nature of being born right in the middle when you guys moved from reno to indiana and has been back at least once since,.. Ella might not be so lucky in making trips while she's young to get to know her aunts and uncles... anyway ,.. yeah,..I can understand a little bit but at the same time I know you don't neglect her so she's not being short changed on love,.. and I bet you don't even short change her that much on individual attention maybe a little but not much,... and she's getting some other things that some of us never got so I think it will all balance out. :) Here's to a super mommy!

ebn said...

I think it works out well that Ella was a girl instead of a boy... That might have reaked havoc, but she has a little sister that will be close to her age, what more does a girl want?

Jen said...

Oh, cute! That picture is so sweet.

I think parents can tell if they're doing a good job by whether their kids (mostly) play nicely with each other. So pat yourself on the back.

The Watts said...

Plus since both of your girls are drop dead gorgeous already I think they will get along and always have a best friend.

BDN said...

Aw!! It's the same for me when it comes to brothers/sisters and nephews/nieces. I love my brothers a lot, but I love my sisters a LITTLE bit more because they are just special. Now--I'm not playing favorites or anything, because everyone knows I LOVE my three nephews; however, when all is said and done, I think I will have probably cherished my niceces the most. There's just something about a Daughter of God that just gives you guys that boost! :)

With that said--I really miss Tori! Tell her Uncle Ben loves her! I miss her always walking up to me, and holding her hands up (wanting me to hold her.) Brings a tear to my eye just to think about it!!

Ashley & Kevin said...

I feel your pain... I always feel guilty that my sweet Brok is going to miss out on something because I have to take care of Lukas... Or that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant so fast so that I could focus more on him. But then just like your girls, he surpriss me with giving kisses to his baby (which you have to understand is a lot coming from this kid beacause his only emotion is screaming or throwing things) or getting concerned when he is crying. I guess it's the Lord's way of calming our fears & reassuring us that what we do not know is that in reality,this was all part of his plan... In the end they will be the best of friends & the worst enemies but they will always love each other! (my boys are a little over 18mo apart)

Theresa said...

I'll have to remember your comments ashley if I ever do that with my kids. I really like your thought about reminders of it all really being part of his plan for them one way or another. :) it was comforting for me at least and I don't really even have the guilt! haha. :) Thank You.

Lillian said...

That is so special. I know that when I was a teenager and felt all alone because my parents were a little preoccupied with their own problems, I had my sister to pull me through. I really think every girl needs a sister. It's better than having a best friend. I don't think I could have survived without her. That's not to say we didn't fight, but we can't live without each other. She's totally my best girlfriend. And I'm SURE that's how it'll be for your girls!

I know what you mean about the mommy guilt, even if I only have one so far. But you really are a great chill, calm mommy. Whenever we're at the Haffner's I'm always impressed with how you calmly handle situations. And I TOTALLY look up to you. That, and your kids are the best dressed kids. I definitely admire that, too;)

shayla said...

I also have moments of mommy guilt (probably a lot more than I should)! In fact many of those moments come when I'm reading other moms' blogs and I start to compare myself. Never a good thing! I just have to remind myself that everybody's circumstances are different and that as long as I'm doing my best, Heavenly Father will make up the difference. But then I start to wonder if I'm doing my best...

Motherhood is definitely hard, but it has brought me a kind of joy that I never knew was possible!